The Best Sex Story…Ever!

Occurred: December 28th, 2010.

As I’ve said in the past, I haven’t documented many of my sexual adventures because there aren’t a great deal of interesting ones to record or mine for any comedy. This one, however, is my biggest claim to sex fame.

Couple months prior to this, one of my best mates – we’ll call him “Sam” – introduced me to his little sister, whom we’ll call “Jess”. As it turns out, Jess has good taste in men, as she was smitten with me the moment she saw me. Not that she had the guts to tell me as such straight off the bat…she sort of told me fragments of this stuff in the subsequent weeks.

Now, as Jess’s home is actually quite far away (Sam lives in my hometown, but Jess lives elsewhere and occasionally visits), I knew it wouldn’t be a good idea to begin dating. Long distance shit sucks… I’d prefer to have a local girlfriend because it means more sex. I’m shallow, leave me alone.

So we settled for sex buddies. When at long last she visited, I went over to see her on a day when Sam and her mother were at work, meaning we were home alone. To spice up the atmosphere, we put on the movie The Expendables. 10 minutes after it was on, we were fucking. Now this girl was awesome in the sack and I soon set myself a mental challenge of lasting for the duration of the movie. Lo and behold, it happened. I didn’t climax until the end credits began rolling. That’s a good 90 minutes of hardcore fucking. I was a very, very sore lad afterwards, but it was SO worth it. Besides, Christmas had just passed, so I needed to work off all those calories I ingested. I tell you, the bed was so damp after we were finished from the combination of sweat and….. Use your imagination.

Of course, it’s not as if it was just boring old positions for 90 minutes, because 90 minutes is a long time. Especially when all you’re doing is thrusting your cock in and out of a moist cave. Gets old pretty quickly. I am an entertainer first and foremost, so I had great fun impersonating the actors in The Expendables…repeating lines in a sexual context (“Man’s good” Dolph Lundgren says at one stage)…having a running commentary of movements in an “announcer” type of voice (“Coming up next…the drill!”)…and to top things off, as I was about to finish I yelled out “Bombs awaaaaaaaay!!!”.

We covered an array of positions, too. I hit her from the top, the bottom, the front, the back, the side, diagonally… We did missionary, doggy, cowgirl, reverse cowgirl… It was awesome.

She was my sexual canvas upon which I could experiment with. It was awesome.