Cal picks up at a cinema

Occurred: September 2013

One thing that you should know about me, is that I enjoy going to the cinema on a frequent basis. Most people perceive the cinema as a special event, but it’s no longer a big deal to me. I often see movies in shitty clothes, without any care towards my appearance.

Which makes the following story all the more gratifying and surprising.

I went to see a late showing of a movie, and the session wasn’t very full. There were maybe 10 other people in the cinema. I was alone, in an empty section of the cinema. Suddenly, two girls were wandering about a few rows in front of me, looking for a place to sit down. They plonked themselves right next to me. 200 empty seats, and they chose to sit next to me. Badass. We’ll call one of them Steph and the other one Kirsty.

Kirsty them almost immediately got up to use the bathroom, so Steph started talking to me.

Steph: “You here alone?”
Me: “Yah”
Steph: “How old are you?”
Me: “I’m 22…”
Steph: “Seriously? You don’t look 22!”
Me: “Thank ye.”
Steph: “You look about…16.”
Me: “When I’m 40 and look 30, I’ll appreciate that. How old are you?”
Steph: “I am….an age…which I cannot say.”
Me: “Zuh?”
Steph: “I cannot say…”
Me: “16? 17?”
Steph: “That’s a laugh. I’m 14.”
Me: “Right…”

I immediately lose interest and try to stop talking, I’m not going to prison. She looked about 16, so her age surprised me. I would’ve continued to try to pick her up if she didn’t drop that bombshell. Thankfully, Kirsty was around. She soon returned and sat right next to me, between Steph and myself.

Steph: “So what’s your name?”
Me: “I’m Cal”

They then told me their names, and Kirsty revealed that she was 18. Thank the fuck Christ.

I should reveal at this point that these two were not prim and proper girls. By no means were these the innocent virginal types that you’ll see in church. They were a bit more ratty. Not disgusting skank types, but they were learning a bit towards that direction.

The movie didn’t start for a bit, so Kirsty happily chatted to me. The girls were sisters, they revealed. And soon, another girl joined them, and so did their mum. Big crowd.

Before the movie started, Kirsty asked me for Facebook details. I delivered, because why not?

During the movie, Kirsty treated me like I was her fucking date. Tapping me on the shoulder to whisper stuff, leaning towards me, etc. To the untrained eye, it looked like we were boyfriend and girlfriend. I was in without even trying.

At the end of the film, Kirsty said she’d add me on Facebook, then we all went on our merry way.

The following day, she was messaging me on Facebook. I wasn’t overly interested in her, and my disinterest made her even more into me. Whatever.

Anyway, she was home alone a few hours later, and she only lived about 10 minutes away. She invited me to come visit. Made sure my wallet contained a handful of condoms, because if it’s THIS easy to get into this girl’s pants, she’s probably sucked dick more times than she’s eaten hot meals.

Not too long afterwards, we were on the couch making out. We only had a few hours before her mum and sister got home, so we didn’t waste much time. I banged her, which was nice, and left while she was having her post-coitus shower. Sneaky.

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Cal trolls a talent quest, hilarity ensues

Occurred: August 2011

I lived at college for two years, in 2010 and 2011. In 2010, I participated in a college talent quest, doing a docile comedy act. (There are three colleges under the same banner, totalling about 300 residents.) Every other act was music. I didn’t win anything, though I did get a gift card for participating. When the talent quest re-emerged the next year, I decided I should go for broke and enjoy myself. After all, I did not plan to return to college in 2012. I could do what I wanted.

One of my favourite comedians is Australian Jim Jeffries. If you have not seen any of his stuff, I recommend you go to YouTube and do some searching. The dude is hilarious. He’s also known for being a very frank, offensive comic, constantly spouting profanity and never shying away from saying offensive things or covering controversial topics. I took a bunch of Jim’s material and put it together, and decided to perform that at the talent quest. Before you say I’m a scumbag stealing jokes, no — my act was playing Jim Jeffries, I was NOT meant to just be a stand-up comedian. Besides, bands that played that night were playing cover songs. Wasn’t their stuff. It’s all about the execution.

I knew the act off by heart by the time the talent quest came round, and I knew I would piss off A LOT of people. My mates (all fans of Jim) were behind me 100%, they came out in droves to watch and see what was going to happen. Some of my classmates even heard about what I planned to do, and they made me promise I’d recap everything that went down. Because of the content, I wasn’t sure I’d quite have the balls on stage to go all-out, so I quickly drank 5 pints of beer while waiting for my turn. I was on my 6th when I was called up. Jim drinks on stage, so I brought the beer up with me. Brilliance was about to ensue.

My first topic was drinking, just to break the ice and get everyone behind me. The crowd were pissing themselves laughing by the end of the first segment. But it was time to get offensive. This was the turning point:

“I don’t know why people drink light beer or no-alcohol beer… Drinking a beer without alcohol is like dating a woman without a vagina. Now, er, speaking of women and vaginas…”

I proceeded to do Jim’s bit about sluts. If you haven’t seen it, here:

People started getting a bit uneasy at this point. The guys in the room were crying with laughter. I heard reports of men laughing, saying to their mates “Is he… is he really doing this? HAHAHA.”

I then proceeded to use more of Jim’s material to piss off the females in the room. Compounding this, I had no fears due to my complete drunkenness. I was swearing up a storm. One of the event organisers at this point piped up, saying I need to settle down or else I had to get off. I took this one in my stride and didn’t fight it, because I knew I was going to get hell in a little while anyway.

I got my next warning after saying the following: “Sometimes fat chicks have really tight vaginas, that’s a bloody mystery. Think it’s because all the fat pushes it inwards, so you try to fuck her but you never actually reach the vagina — you’re just fucking thighs. That’s why doctors tell fat chicks to lose weight before they try for a baby.”

The organisers knew what I was up to. They were panicking. A few of them approached the stage and told me to get off. This happened:

Me: “Oh, I have to stop now and get off, do I? [they say yes to me, I look up at the crowd] Who wants me to keep going? [crowd cheers, yells “YES”] Hm, majority rules.”

They backed off, hoping I was going to calm down. Then I launched into the following routine:

At this point, the females in the crowd were starting to leave. They’d had enough. But the guys couldn’t get enough of it. The organisers were shitting their pants, telling me to get off at every opportunity. I wanted to see how much I could get away with. After I said the line “You girls have very little to do with me cumming, you’re just the container I shoot it into!”, people came onto the stage to take me off. I couldn’t get away with anymore. So I said.

“Alright, I’m gonna have to stop now, so I’ll close with this. People are probably going to hate me for saying what I’ve said tonight, but it only hurts because you know it’s true. Don’t shoot the messenger. Besides, if you don’t like criticism… don’t give it out so much.”

I left quietly after that. My job was done.

Outside the stage door was a whole line of guys waiting to high five me, and to tell me how funny and ballsy I am. A few of them bought me drinks, and in no time I was completely off the wall drunk. I don’t remember much of the rest of the night, but I do know that one guy was telling me about what happened around him when I was on-stage. He was laughing hard, the girls next to him weren’t. One of the girls said “You couldn’t make a girl wet…” and he replied “Apparently, that’s not my problem!” Gold.

I woke up the next morning with a terrible hangover, only to find about 20 new Facebook friend requests and to realise that a handful of people had unfriended me. I posted a status saying “Trolling a talent quest is another thing to cross off my bucket list.” Oh boy, I stirred up the hive with that one. The talent quest’s MC commented something to the tune of “Callum, you were disrespectful and inappropriate to everyone who put in the effort to organise the event” and so on, and so forth. She unfriended me almost immediately. Every time I see her, she glares at me and refuses to talk. Umad?

In hindsight, I wish I managed to get my act filmed. None of my friends had proper camera phones, so I was going to give them my iPhone, but I was told that someone was apparently filming anyway. I was about to go up and didn’t want to delay, so I just said what the hey, and went up hoping for the best.

Repercussions were felt pretty far and wide. Some of my female friends thought I went too far and didn’t talk to me for weeks. There was an album on Facebook for the night, and I was completely cut out of it. Yup, they did not upload photos of me, even though I saw them taking photos. They wanted to forget that I was ever there. And I got recognised a lot in subsequent weeks whenever I went to night clubs.

Suffice it to say, I did not get any pussy from it. People these days, so uptight…

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Cal graduates, scores with random slut

Occurred: May 2013

For those of you unaware, I attended Southern Cross University in Lismore. My hometown is not Lismore; I live about 8 hours south of there. When graduation came around, I had to return to Lismore. I’m not too fond of the town. It’s a bit of a shithole. So when I got there and one of my mates texted me saying he was throwing a party the night of graduation, I didn’t even need to think about it before saying yes.

I graduated and so on, which was nice, and had to do dinner with the family, which was pleasant. Then the real evening began when I got to the party and was presented with a buffet of booze and women. Now this is what I like.

I knew NOBODY at the party except for the host. And there were a good 20 or 30 people there, most of them females. But blow me, there were some howlers there. Fat chicks prowled the place, and there were a few females who looked like they fell off the ugly tree and hit every branch on the way down. But there were a few decent lookers.

I found an acceptable group of women to talk to. I mentioned to one of them that I planned to join the Defence Force. She said “My friend Anna is joining the Air Force! You two would get along!” Up until this point in the night, Anna had mainly kept to herself as she wasn’t drinking much. So she was delighted to be given the chance to flap her tongue and enjoy the company of a dashing, handsome man such as myself.

I let Anna run her mouth consistently, talking about whatever. I asked basic questions, and short follow-up questions, just to keep her mouth moving. It didn’t take long to establish that she was well and truly into me.

The establishment was due to close at midnight. I was in a long time before that. So when they called “Last drinks,” I asked Anna if she’d like to come back to my motel room for a bit. She agreed. Anna’s good friend was drunk and needed a lift home, so we had to drop her off first. I wish her friend came and we got a threesome happening, but alas, no dice. Damn you, world.

We got back to my motel room and clothes swiftly came off. I got down to business and there was happiness across the universe.

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The best few months of my life

Occurred: Early 2013

I’m making up for lost time by posting another story tonight. This is probably my definitive story. It involves sex, females, me being an asshole, and above all, me not having to pay for my actions. Badass.

Last year at Uni, I met two separate ladies, both of whom expressed a degree of interest in me. I could see it a mile away. The thing about girls are, they’re never subtle. Surprisingly, I never tried to pick up girls in class, I usually showed up late, tired, and with a hangover, in crappy clothes. But these girls still liked me, apparently. I’m that charming and good-looking.

Point is, these girls — let’s call one “Laura,” and the other “Sally” — were not exactly attractive. Okay, they were chubby. Not fat, but chubby. Okay-ish faces, but chubby. I have a quality threshold, which is what forbade me from hooking up with them last year. But I was still talking to them and they were still into me, so I thought I’d have some fun with this. I messaged them a few minutes apart, asking if they’d like to go catch a movie sometime. Both said yes. Both did not know about the other. In their minds, they were my only female interest. Lol.

First cab off the rank was Sally. We caught a flick (I work at the cinema, cheap tickets!), and it didn’t take long to start making out. She lived in an apartment with a housemate, so she invited me back to her crib. Coitus ensued. She almost crushed me when she was on top (my testicles were fucking aching), so I steered the proverbial ship most of the time. Decent shag.

A few days (yes, DAYS) later, I took Laura to a movie (I told you, cheap tickets FTW!). At the time when I came in, a girl was working — let’s call her Amy — whom I kind of have a thing for. After the movie, Laura went to the bathroom. I saw Amy, gave her a big hug, and asked if she wanted to grab a coffee sometime and chat. She said yes.

Let me repeat what just happened there. I asked out a female, WHILE ON A DATE. And none of the females were any the wiser.

I didn’t close the deal with Laura that day, but she came over to mine a few days later when I had the place to myself. We put on Titanic, and it barely took half an hour for the fucking to start. When you think about it, Titanic is an ideal closing movie. It starts off a bit slow, with dialogue and stuff. Then the hole opens and fluid starts flooding in. There’s seamen everywhere, it’s every man for himself, and you go down with the ship.

…I’m going to hell… But I don’t care, as long as there’s bacon.

I took out Amy the next day. The next fucking day. I’m shameless.

Amid this, I reconnected with another girl from University, who lives in another state. She expressed her displeasure over being single. I offered her my cock. She accepted. I have a booty call in another state. Sheesh.

At this point, you’re probably assuming that I’ll get caught out. The girls will find out that there are others in the picture, and I’ll get beaten up.

Didn’t happen.

Seriously, it didn’t happen.

I liked Amy the most, so I took her out more, and just kinda didn’t talk to the others for a while and never hung out with them again. It’s been almost 6 months since all of this ended, and there have been no repercussions. I got my dick wet, and was very repugnant, and didn’t pay the piper.

The wonders of being Big Dick Cal!

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#StillGotIt

Occurred: July 2013

I’m still alive. Shocking, right? More of my stories need to be shared with the world in order for them to drink in teh lulz, so let’s dive right in with a new classic. It involves females and intercourse. What more could you want?

I was getting ready to turn in early for whatever reason (I fucking don’t know why), and got a text from a girl named Jess whom I fucked a couple years ago (see my Expendables sex story). She said “Come into town and party!” I asked who was with her, she said “A few of my female friends.” I said “I’m already out the door.” I had a steak defrosting on a plate in the kitchen that I had planned to eat soon, but I didn’t give a fuck. I was wearing my dressing gown (fuck you), so I hastily threw on proper clothes (and aftershave, I AM a gent) before joining the festivities.

My target was soon spotted. Jess had two friends with her. One was single and pretty hot, and fuaaaaarrrrk…. While the other was………………………………………………..fat.

Anywho, I chatted to the hot/single one, whom we’ll call Emily. She liked a bit of the same weirdo shit that I do. Usually with sluts, I find no common ground except for a love of sex. I probably could’ve dated this chick and taken it serious. But where’s the fun in that? I was informed that she recently went through a break-up and is seeking rebound sex. Fuck, this was going to be easy. This would be like calling in the Marines to help an old lady cross the road.

Jess decided to pimp me a bit, because she has a boyfriend now and cannot enjoy my cock once again. Early on, it was established that I would be giving Emily a lift home. Cue an evening of chatter and fun. I even bought her drinks, because I’m a gent like that. And because I like my sluts when they’re a bit loose.

I had the deal closed before we left the bar. While walking to the car, she kept alluding to wanting to fuck me. We walked past a bed store and she said “Mmm… bed. I like bed.” Awesome.

It didn’t take long for me to get her into the sack. I think she might’ve ingested some pills earlier in the night (I learned this about a week later), so she was quite the deviant in bed. She knew how to work her fucking vagina. Of course I wore a condom. As much as I hate them, I’d be safer sticking my dick in an ant nest than bare-backing this broad. I have no idea what’s up there. For all I know, a homeless guy lives in there (Pillowpants?).

Once we were done, we were both pretty exhausted. I could not escape just yet. But I woke up a few hours later and she was still comatose. I just kinda slipped out.

Still got it!

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Amusing Pillow Talk

Occurred: August 2011

I’ll quickly bring you up to speed on the female specimen in question. Last year I liked this chick, but she turned me down. She was also rather bitchy and a shit friend, so I thought she was no big loss. And directly because of her bitchiness last year, I began acting like a dick to her. Apparently because of this, she became into me. Women, eh?

Anyway, I eventually got her into the sack. And because being a dick to her became autopilot, I couldn’t turn down the chance to continue it…

Girl: (Referring to my aforementioned Expendables Sex story) “So are you going to last 90 minutes now?”
Me: “Depends. If you keep looking at me, I’ll probably never cum. If I put a paper bag over your head, it could speed up the process”
Girl: “Fuck you”
Me: “Indeed”
Girl: “I don’t know why I’m fucking you”
Me: “Because I’m awesome and you can’t resist me”

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Newfound Penis Fame!

Occurred: March 26th, 2011.

Up until this point in my life, I’d never thought much about my penis size… Actually, that’s a blatant fucking lie, I have thought about it, but never did I think my penis was anything special in terms of size. Alright, that’s another lie – I once looked it up on a penis chart. But it never really stayed with me. However, as it turns out, my dick is in fact rather special in terms of size.

For a 21st birthday party, I decided to hire a Superman costume and go along as The Man of Steel. Don’t question the costume choice, because Superman is awesome no matter how old you are.

Not until I popped on the suit and headed out to the picnic area did somebody point out a rather glaring costume malfunction. My penis was heading down a trouser leg. The bulge was very visible and very obvious. Since the suit is an all-in-one and I could not be bothered getting undressed for the sake of fixing myself up, I just went along with it. Why? Because people were shocked at the enormous size of the thing. Literally, people were asking whether I’d stuffed a sock in there, or something. Nobody was believing that my cock was so big. So lots of people had to actually physically touch it. Men and women. I wanted to prove that I had a big endowment, damnit!

Eventually, I gave in and undressed for a girl, who took one look at me naked before a look of shock crossed her face and she said “…That’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen”. Seriously, she was in shock. It was like she was in a warzone and just saw people getting blown up with a landmine. She might need therapy, for fuck’s sake. This girl didn’t keep to herself – she told everyone that my penis is in fact enormous. And for crying out loud, it was only half-erect when she saw it. This thing is a fucking weapon.

Cue hours and hours of penis jokes. During the sausage sizzle, one guy got a piece of bread, put it in front of my crotch, and got a photo taken (I’d love to share the photo, but this is an anonymous blog and other people feature in the photo, and I do not want people getting means of tracking me or my friends down). And now popular nicknames include “Big Dick Cal” and “Superdick”. Yes, this is the truth. It seems like a male fantasy, I know, but this is true.

But it gets better. While out in town doing a pub crawl, I met a number of new people. Whenever I did, one of my friends would always come up and point out my endowment. Yeah, things got a bit awkward, but fuck you, this was awesome.

That night, I posed for a number of photos for randoms, friends and photographers for the establishments I visited. When photos started hitting teh interwebz, I would always notice the bulge first. Yes, it was VERY noticeable.

But it wasn’t just noticeable to those who were around when the dick discussions began, but to outsiders as well. Two females I know were viewing the photos, and noticed the bulge, and almost commented “Nice bulge Cal”. Another girl I know viewed the photos and saw my bulge… The girl she was with said “[the guy with the biggest dick I know] struggled to put on a large-sized condom, but fuck, Cal is bigger!” This might explain why I’ve always struggled with putting on condoms. They’re always so tight and uncomfortable. It’s why I don’t like to use them much. But I just thought this was normal…

So there you have it, folks. If you are located in Australia, are reading this, and want to test my endowment, drop me a line. Email address available in the “About This Blog” section. We can work something out.

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